Emotional Triggers
How should you respond to sensitive issues this holiday?
by Debbie Steele
During the rising war in the Ukraine, I sat in chapel, praying with others about the imminent concerns. I hadn’t been keeping a close eye on the war developments, but I was aware of its proximity to Yugoslavia, where I had served as a missionary for 10 years, from 1990 to 2000, at the time of its civil war. My time in the Balkans during the devastation of war had an indelible effect on my career decision to become a trained counselor. Some 20 years later, I wept as my body automatically re-experienced the pain of the past.
I know this is a dramatic example of how past experiences can evoke deep emotions, but it came to mind as I thought about how we become triggered from time to time. And it doesn’t take a war to trigger us; it can happen any time, especially during the holiday season.
We may look forward to getting together at Grandma’s house to reconnect with family once again. But for most families, the holidays are a bittersweet reunion filled with expectation, love, new stories, and reminiscences of loved ones no longer living. Excitement and anticipation build as the days get closer to long car rides and unexpected flight hassles and delays.
I would like to walk you through a scenario of what may happen when families reunite for the holidays: Carlos and his family are going to visit his paternal grandfather for Thanksgiving. His grandmother died about 15 years ago, and his grandfather remarried shortly afterward. His new grandmother, whom we will call Sally, is very particular about how orderly the house is during family visits and prefers to go out to eat most meals. Carlos loves to cook and really would enjoy cooking the Thanksgiving meal at his grandfather’s house, which holds fond memories from his childhood. His grandfather suggests they cater the Thanksgiving meal to make it easier for everyone. Of course, Carlos is disappointed, which leads him to miss his grandmother who was an excellent cook and hostess.
Carlos’ wife is sad for her husband as he navigates his triggered emotions. She is a bit curious and confused about Carlos’ family dynamics. She can only imagine what it was like for him growing up and spending the holidays with his grandparents. There’s not a lot more she can do but try to understand her husband’s disappointment and convey her concern.
Carlos’ parents are also present for the Thanksgiving festivities. However, Carlos is afraid to talk with his father, John, about his feelings for fear that it will upset him. John is a pastor, and he is uncomfortable talking about difficult family topics. He has shared that acceptance is the godly thing to do and that negative conversation behind someone’s back will not be tolerated. He is just glad Sally provides his dad with devoted companionship.
But Carlos wishes Sally would show a little more loving concern toward the rest of the family. At least he does feel comfortable talking to his mother, who is able to validate his feelings. After all, the family holidays are reminiscent of her experience as well.
I wonder if you can identify with any of those family dynamics. The question is how we should respond to the triggers we experience during family holidays.
Recognize that feeling triggered at family gatherings is normal because you have so much history with them that includes feeling loved, important, cared for, and at times hurt. God created us to feel triggered around our family. A trigger simply alerts us to an interaction that tells us something important is happening to us or to others we love. A trigger touches on past emotions that flood our mind, body, and soul.
It’s helpful to try to discover the source and meaning of these past emotions in order to know how to move forward in the way that pleases God. My suggestion is to initiate conversations about what you’re feeling and share your experience with others who are safe for you to do so. Stray away from talking about the other person and his flaws. Processing inevitable emotional hurt within families is a healthy habit to establish godly relationships.
Ask God to make you aware when you are being triggered and to help you know how to navigate the emotional pain it causes. Before heading to a family event, pray these words from Psalm 19:14: “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.”
Our emotions are real, but we don’t have to give them free reign over our lives. As we entrust God with our feelings, He can use them to bring healing to our souls and restoration to relationships.
DEBBIE STEELE, PH.D., MFT, is director of the master of arts in Christian counseling degree at Gateway Seminary in Ontario, California, and is a certified emotionally-focused therapist.
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